Can somebody please tell me what happened to Strawberry Shortcake? I feel I robbed my friend Julia of her innocence when I informed her of the recent whorification of this classic children's character. We all remember her as the red-haired country girl with green-and-white striped tights, bloomers, an apron, clunky shoes, and her cat Custard by her side. Oh, and the big, fluffy bonnet topped by a strawberry! She is wholesome Americana personified--in a sweet-smelling vinyl doll.
I mean, what could be cuter?
Bad things started happening to Strawberry Shortcake around the 1990s.
A little nip here and a tuck there, but the basic elements remained intact. Although, she did not have a dog. That was Huckleberry Pie, and the dog's name was Pupcake.
The Blossom hat, rolled-up jeans, and cinched waist were not a good look for her.
Then by the late 1990s things started getting weirder. Here she is doing ballet:
Clearly the coke use and anorexia have taken a toll on her at this point.
Apple Dumplin', who was no more predisposed to a ballet class than Strawberry Shortcake, did NOT have a duck. She had Teatime Turtle.Where is he--and isn't he the real victim here?
Blueberry Muffin, by the time of Y2K, tried to improve her street cred by losing the pigtails, letting her hair go natural, and adopting a pony:
The lighting is off in this photo, but I assure you Blueberry Muffin remained Caucasian.
And that's as far as my sticker collection goes. It hurts me to share with you what Strawberry Shortcake and her friends are doing now. You can follow the links if you want to, but it isn't pretty. It strikes every feminist nerve in my body to see them
carrying shopping bags and
serving lemonade in their Bratz-inspired outfits.
I prefer my childhood to look like this:
